For LuLu, I’m the only mom she’s ever known. She totally understands that she has a Chinese birthmom who “couldn’t keep her”, but unlike many other adoptees the loss of that birthmom has never been a huge emotional issue for her. Probably because she has so many other issues.

She and I both focus our anger and frustration on whatever abusive and neglectful treatment she received in the orphanage. This is the source of her trauma and overshadows that early abandonment entirely.

In LuLu’s mind, her birthmom is dead. While she can cognitively recite what I’ve told her about potential reasons she was placed in the orphanage…one child policy, lack of food and resources, inability to care for a little baby…she persists that her birthmom is dead (and in heaven). At this point, there is nothing benefited by challenging this belief. And who knows, she may be right!

So I carry the privilege and burden of being LuLu’s “only mom”. Honestly it is what I selfishly wanted and was part of my motivation of adopting internationally. I didn’t want prolonged court battles and never ending attorney fees fighting over a child. (Funny how I’ve ended up with exactly that anyway…in another arena!) I didn’t want to have to pick up the pieces after a child had been returned temporarily or for a visit to an abusive or neglectful situation.

Instead, I got the burden of being the only mom of a child who had another mom. I try to address the birthmom issue appropriately. After all, we all want to know we’ve received positive traits from our parents. “Your mom must have been very artistic,” I comment as she draws. “You have your mom’s beautiful eyes,” as I help her get ready for bed. But she really wants no part of it.

So, for now, it’s a non-issue for a child who has so many other issues. I think of LuLu’s birthmom often. Was she young, poor, single? Was she coerced? Did she have other children, an older daughter perhaps and was needing a boy? How often does she think about Lu? And then I think about the darker side of things I wish I knew, but will never. Does she have a mental illness? Is she autistic? Does she have Tourettes? Does anyone in her family have these things?

And I realize that it is both a blessing and a burden being the only mom my daughter will ever know.