One thing is for certain, I would have failed the test of loving LuLu is I hadn’t really loved myself first.

I’ve written before about agape love and love being an action word…and how hard it is to love unlovable kids. But, to really be able to survive learning how to love a child with challenges (especially if they are extreme and manifest themselves in behaviors), you have to first truly LOVE yourself. There is very little room for self-doubt and low self-esteem in parenting children with special needs. You need all your energy flowing toward parenting this child, not second guessing yourself.

And for many of us, this “loving ourselves” lesson is one of the hardest to learn. I was blessed to grow up in a healthy family, where our parents gave us the right combination of praise and responsibility that resulted in each of us developing a quiet confidence of who we are. It was a far cry from the neglect and abuse of LuLu’s early childhood. Knowing that I was (and am) loved by my parents went a long way toward giving me strong emotional health. (This is why working on attachment issues with our children may be the most critical thing we do.)

Had I not had this strong attachment and healthy childhood, parenting LuLu would be exponentially harder. This is why therapists who work with families on attachment and adoption issues want the parents to work through any unresolved issues they have, either from their childhoods or with their infertility. You have to be as emotionally healthy as possible to truly put your love in action.

But Love is an action word, and frankly, there are times I get so caught up in parenting Lulu and all that entails (teaching her, doctors appointments, case management, etc) that I forget to push any of that love action toward myself. There are several love actions we should extend ourselves:

1. taking care of ourselves. Making time for exercise, eating right, getting enough sleep. We all know the drill, but how many of us really do it?

2. extending grace to ourselves. At my house, LuLu gets consequences but she also gets “do-overs”. Each day is a new day, and we can’t allow anyone around here to hold too many grudges, especially for her behaviors. I find it difficult at times, though, to extend myself the same grace, the same amount of “do-overs” for my “failure” to parent the way I should have.

3. allowing ourselves to be human. Love is an action verb, and sometimes you do have to “fake it until you make it” because the feelings don’t always show up. There are many times I don’t feel love for LuLu like I wish I did. Again, I need to extend myself some grace. At the same I’m following through on the action of extending love to LuLu, I have to allow myself to be human…and admit that I really don’t like the situation we’re in. It truly is ok to not LIKE the child you LOVE.

4. do something for me. Especially when you’re in a situation where you’re giving so much, and your child gives little back, you have to be purposeful about doing things FOR yourself. Remember, it’s important to love yourself, and love is an action verb. Treat yourself, pamper yourself, carve out time to do what YOU want with whom YOU want to do it with…and stick to that. Don’t be deterred.

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