About a year ago, I was overwhelmed with LuLu’s lack of social skills and with her open dismay at “not having any friends”. It began to dawn on me, along with all the other disabilities and symptomatic behaviors that my little girl was grossly lacking in social skills and what I now know as pragmatic language skills. And that this, more than many other issues she had, was going to severely curtail her chance at a “normal” life.

Side note: some researchers consider pragmatic language disorder to be a distinct disorder, while others attribute it as being within the autism spectrum – and likely to be found in those who have autism or Aspergers. This strikes me as ironic because LuLu’s pragmatic skills are highly impaired, yet so many who evaluate her, especially the school system, don’t see her as being autistic. Some language professionals believe that pragmatics problems are also related to hyperactivity and executive function impairment, which LuLu has also been diagnosed as having. But other professionals believe that ADHD is indeed ultimately part of the autistic spectrum, especially when looking at both disorders biochemically. Hmmm…as a mom it really doesn’t matter “why”, but more “what can we do about it?”

Ok – sorry to digress. I wanted to tell you about LuLu’s social progress. In preschool LuLu did not acknowledge the presence of other children. I distinctly remember her preschool teacher teaching a song where each of the children’s names is used. LuLu just couldn’t “get it”. I could not get her to have a conversation about the people at school that wasn’t solely focused on adults only. It was if the kids didn’t exist. She didn’t attempt to interact with any of them. This struck me as odd, seeing other preschoolers be so social. But no “professional” in our world pointed this out as a major problem.

By first grade, I was thrilled that she at least knew the names of the people in her class. But observations told me that she never attempted to engage any of them. Learning who they were was an academic exercise, not a social one. She could describe their physical attributes, but never reported about any of their actions.

By second grade she was at least attempting to engage the other children somewhat. But was often not successful, and social interaction was a great source of frustration. And her anxiety, impulsivity and aggressive behaviors frequently got in the way.

Last year she started to come to the realization that she didn’t have “friends”, not like her sister did or her peers around her. Recess was disastrous for her; she always wanting to hang near the teachers. And because her classroom was full of boys (most of whom are behind in their social skills as well) she totally missed any exposure to the nuances of socializing with girls. A whole different beast…

It was at the point when she started to stress out so much over being friendless that I started to grasp the daunting task in front of us. I had to TEACH her how to make friends. Our other children had learned this almost by osmosis, and I’d given little thought to breaking down the steps of social interaction. But here we were, needing to teach her, step by step.

Because I’m a recovering shy person with a high emotional quotient (EQ), the idea of breaking the social skills down and teaching them in such an incremental way with the opportunity for so many mistakes was anxiety-producing in me. To say I was overwhelmed would be an understatement. And my embarrassment for LuLu’s social “failures” was high. It wasn’t until I started to grasp the severity of her deficits and the impact those deficits were having on her overall development, that I was able to put it in perspective and tackle it head on – getting over my own “hang ups”. (I still struggle with the shyness thing – just cover it well!)

So we’ve started really breaking down the social steps for her. And she’s really started responding. Here are some successes in the last month:

1. She’s starting to play games with us on family nights. She doesn’t necessarily “like” to play, but is willing to give it a try and often has a better time than she thought. She’s even learning to lose gracefully (some of the time.)
2. She’s making a mental note to herself of her body position during conversation. Thanks to one of her cousins suggesting that she “pretend she’s in a bubble”, she’s keeping a more appropriate distance between her and whomever she’s talking to. It is a visualization tool that’s working for her.
3. She’s learning to talk on the telephone. This is hard for so her on so many levels. Yet she’s started to carry on good conversations with her dad while he’s out of town and has made 3 phone calls to friends’ houses. We practice both the procedure of using the phone AND the actual conversation each time. And each time she gets a little better. It’s amazing how far she’s come in just a few months.

The most endearing improvement showed up yesterday. One of the young men who carries out groceries at our local Publix has decided that LuLu is “his buddy”. Now many of these young people who sack groceries have special needs of some sort. I believe this one does as well, although I don’t know the nature of his disability. He is polite, articulate and has decided he really likes LuLu. He purposely seeks out our check-out line to help us out with our groceries.

I have explained to LuLu that this young man is trying to be friendly and build a friendship with her. So, she has started trying to reciprocate the conversation. Well, yesterday we went to the store. I didn’t even notice, but he was sacking groceries on another line and LuLu noticed him just was we were leaving. “Hang on, Mom!” she said and hurried over to his line. “Hi Buddy!” she hollered, smiling. He reciprocated and they gave each other high-fives and off she went. A very appropriate friendly encounter not marred by tics or inappropriate comments, not too loud or disruptive of his work, with full eye contact. She walked away beaming.

“He’s my friend, Mom!”
“Yes, LuLu, he most certainly is.”

One of the precious moments I wish I could bottle and multiple until her life was full of those successes.