A recent (and frequent) topic on many of the listserves I read is the overwhelming strain parenting a disabled child has on your marriage. This week’s twist was the working partner not “getting it” about a typical day at home with a challenging child. “So, what have you been doing all day?” is such a loaded question.

The discussion turned to whether or not this was a gender-based response. Was this to be expected from a man? One poster reported that it was the working wife who had implied that perhaps not enough had been accomplished during the day while she was gone. Yet others insisted that it was a “man thing” not to recognize how difficult it was to stay home and constantly care for a child with challenging issues.

I tend to think it’s a “grass is always greener” problem. In fact, Super Dad and I often talk about this. When I’m feeling overwhelmed by my role of caretaking LuLu, I pine for the old career days and talk about how much fun it would be to go to work. But Super Dad (gently) volunteers to swap places, after all the pressure on that side of the equation is to do whatever it takes to keep the level of employment and earn the much needed money in a financially strapped situation. Before, as a two-income, two-career family with the worries of a “normal” family, we didn’t know how good we had it!

The statistics show a bleak picture when it comes to marriages of parents of special needs children. Experts estimate that nearly 80% of these marriages fail. Eighty percent! Ok, so society’s divorce rate hovers between 40-50% of all marriages ending in divorce. But the strain of parenting a special needs child doubles those odds. How scary, how sad, how big of a crisis!

If you’re married and parenting a child with special needs, you know all-too-well the pitfalls and obstacles to keeping your marriage strong. There’s the normal marriage stuff like finances, children’s demands, in-laws and intimacy. But add to that:

• The financial burdens of medical bills and therapies not covered by insurance.
• The stress of battling with insurance companies or state funding programs, and navigating the maze of paperwork to get coverage.
• The loss of income due to one (or sometimes both) parent needing to scale back working in order to care for the child OR the astronomical expense of hiring specialized caretakers.
• Processing the overwhelming grief and sadness and coming to grips with the profound changes in your own life plans when faced with the long-term care of a disabled child.
• Watching your spouse process the grief, sadness and acceptance of your new life – his/her process will likely be entirely different from yours!
• The different points-of-view you and your spouse may share on exactly the nature of your child’s disabilities and the intervention steps to take.
• The opinions and input of extended family members – what your parents, in-laws, siblings and others think.
• Loss of friendships OR at a minimum, loss of time and energy to maintain outside friendships.
• Worries about your long-term future as a couple. Parenting disabled children changes your retirement plans, your ability to take vacations or explore enrichment activities.
• Finding appropriate childcare to be able to focus on your marriage by spending time together.

Whew! No wonder the statistics say 80%. Who wants to stay in a marriage with so many burdens? Yet…having the marriage fall apart doesn’t “solve” anything for anyone involved. It makes things worse. With divorce, the financial resources are split, so they are further strained. And the negative impact on the children (both healthy and disabled) is a well-documented fact. Not to mention that if you thought you were truly alone before in this crisis…you are not divided and much more alone without each other.

So what can be done to learn to pull together before you’re pulled apart?

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