Debi Stevens' blog today on Older Parent Adoption struck a chord with me. I agreed with much of what she had to say, yet disagreed as well. The result was that it inspired me to write a bit of my perspective...

I do understand the desire (and subsequent joy) of giving birth to a child. My biological daughter was born in 1991 (just a year earlier I had approached my now ex-husband about adoption from Romania and he had not agreed - so the international adoption seed was planted deep in me as well.) I have to say that raising this daughter is one of the truly pure joys of my life. She is darn near perfect, even if she's a hormonal teenager these days. I do believe she would have been darn near perfect regardless of my genetics...but I also acknowledge that having an early childhood of loving nurture, good nutrition and the stimulation an infant needs to grow their brains has had much to do with her development (and mine and my husband's before her.)

In 1993 I became the "mean step-monster" to two very cool kids, who were 7 and 12 at the time. This was definitely harder than giving birth, because my role was so different. My stepchildren don't live in our house, but have always lived nearby. Their mother is a great parent, so my involvement has been on the periphery, but nonetheless, I have had an active role and chance to impact their lives (hopefully for the better). Stepchildren, and older ones at that, take a different type of parental involvement. There were challenges -- like my stepdaughter who wouldn't eat at my house because "you don't make it like my Mom!" But over the last decade our relationship has grown into an actual family - strangers don't have any idea we're blended, until they start comparing last names. It was forged by shared experiences (i.e. broken bones, head lice, long car trips) and shared love (we all love the same man - aka Super Dad - A LOT!)

So, in 1998 it made sense to add adoption to our parenting repertoire. We were ready and the seed that had been planted nearly a decade before was enough to make me jump at the chance to head to China for LuLu. The road we have traveled on since then has been beyond bumpy. To even describe our last 7 years as challenging would be downplaying it a great deal. Adopting a child with special needs, needs we had no inkling of when we adopted her, has by and large been the most daunting undertaking of our lives -- it has turned our lives upside down.

Debi's blog says "Risk is inherent with children, they are individuals, not little clones. There are no guarantees in life. Physical and emotional issues can reach back in time and present themselves in the present." And this is so true. In my own biological family, I grew up with a sister with severe asthma and one who was very healthy. The "sick" sister is now a successful corporate exec - healthy and with an active family. The "healthy" sister was finally diagnosed with bipolar and is now successfully medicated, but not before years of addictions, troubled choices, and disastrous relationships. There truly are no guarantees in life.

But there are ways to hedge your bets -- and the chances that a biological child will have emotional health problems is significantly less (statistically) if the child is born to a parent who provides the attachment and stability the infant needs -- aka no abuse, neglect or starvation. Sadly neither prospective adoptive parents, nor the agencies that assist in the adoptions spend much time discussing such topics. It is just too scary I guess. Families like ours scare the bigeebees out of prospective adoptive families (or so I'm told). We are just not the poster family for adoption. No one wants to know that on the day you are about to become CEO of your company you resign the position to stay home and heal your child's attachment disorder. No one wants to hear that you, too, might someday spend every ounce of savings you have traveling across the country looking for treatment. Or that you will have countless possessions broken and holes kicked in your walls. Or that for the first two years your daughter is home she won't sleep through the night - ever! Or that someday you will spend your husband's bonus on retaining an attorney to fight the school system to give your child the education she's entitled to. This isn't everyone's reality - but it is a possibility.

Does this make me anti-adoption? NO WAY! See Part II...