I’ve always said that I prefer “in your face” confrontation from children as opposed to passive-aggressive behavior. My theory is, at least I know what they’re thinking. We’ve only parented a few of the “in your face” children but, we’ve had plenty of passive-aggressive children.

Passive aggressive disorder is said to stem from specific childhood stimuli such as overbearing parents or parents with substance abuse issues. I guess it makes sense that most of the children, whom have lived with us, would have passive aggressive behaviors, when you consider that they were placed in our foster home through the Department of Human Services.

Personally, I feel that passive aggressive behavior is much safer for children than “in your face.” The children can fake compliance to avoid confrontation, get even with you later, and then deny they did anything. It is a much safer course of action for children struggling with low self-esteem, which is how most foster children arrive.

My 13-year-old daughter with FAS, she’s beyond that now. She has absolutely no qualms what-so-ever, with getting in my face and yelling right back at me. But then, she’s been living with us for nearly 10 years now.

Our nine-year-old daughter, that’s another story, she has been with us for two and a half years and her adoption is taking a really long time. About a year ago, we began to see some attitude changes that definitely weren’t for the better. She began lying, to display a real stubborn streak, and she began procrastinating to the point of not completing anything whether at home or school.

Last weekend, she told me she had cleaned up her bedroom so I could vacuum her carpet. It definitely should have been clean; she was up there for about three hours. But, it wasn’t, not even close.

Which means, either she lives in a different reality than I do, or she’s a liar, or she didn’t consider what would happen when I went to the room to vacuum. I guess it doesn’t really matter which one, the consequences were still the same. She had to pick up the room and then vacuum it herself.

On one hand, I feel compassion for her. Another year to wait for her adoption, nearly four years of living in limbo, it’s close to half of her life. On the other hand, we can’t tolerate lying and daily disobedience, consequences must follow.

Natural consequences will follow her failure to complete her school assignments; maybe she won’t pass the fourth grade. She also lost some friends this year and she had an in school suspension, natural consequences for her change in attitude.

We did switch therapist and she is helping her to work through her fears, resentments, and divided loyalties. We also had her start taking Melatonin at bedtime, at the advice of her doctor, to help her rest better.

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