A reader recently shared her frustration with me about the 24/7 of living with a daughter with fetal alcohol syndrome. A question that plagues many of us parenting children with fetal alcohol syndrome or other learning disabilities is “Are they really confused or choosing to not cooperate?”

My husband and I have had this discussion many times during our 14 years of foster parenting. He has maintained during the entire time that the problem is confusion. He patiently redirects and gives simple directions one at a time so task can be accomplished in baby steps. Of course, he leaves for nine hours everyday to go to work, which means he isn’t bombarded with the confusion all day long.

This morning, I went to work for three hours. Some of the children were even still in bed when I left, so there really shouldn’t have been any problems, right. Wrong.

We have a few rules, which are known by all and have been strictly enforced during our 14 years of foster parenting. One being, children don’t discipline other children. You need to take the problem to the person in charge and let that person handle it.

Well apparently, the four-year-old swore at Lyn, our teenage daughter with FAS. If you have ever been around young foster children, you might be aware that some of them have extensive vocabularies. Instead of taking the issue to the person in charge, who would have issued a four-minute time out, Lyn decided to smack her.

The four-year-old also happens to be an accomplished tattletale. Whenever I return home she fills me in on what each person did that she thought was naughty. Then she tells me how she thinks I should discipline each person, with a smile on her face.

When I asked Lyn about the incident, she readily admitted to, what she calls, a slight tap. Then, she proceeds to explain to me, in a rather haughty tone, why she was justified in her actions. I then asked her what our rule is about children disciplining other children, and reminded her that she is about to turn 14 and “A” just turned four-years-old. She recited the rule perfectly; after all, she has been part of our family for 10 years.

I’ve shared with you before that one of my personal favorite forms of discipline is assigning extra jobs. Therefore, I asked Lyn to pick up all the little pieces of trash around the sidewalk, around the garbage can, and under the trampoline.

When I looked outside to see how she was progressing, I saw her putting away the slip-n-slide that was set up for water-play in the side yard. As I continued to watch out the window, she put the bicycles away. Shortly thereafter, she came inside and reported that she was finished with her extra job.

I dutifully went outside to check and of course, the little pieces of trash were still around the sidewalk and under the trampoline. Super Dad would be proud, because I explained again, what she was supposed to do, and then sent her back outside without ever raising my voice.

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