I Hate Adoption Too!

There’s this still small voice inside of me. That voice in my soul that for all my life BL (before LuLu) drove me toward adoption. It tells me that adoption was indeed the right choice for my family. And that adoption is the right choice for other families as well. And that adoption is an incredibly valuable choice for unplanned pregnancies ( vastly preferable to orphanages full of starving and abused infants). But me advocating adoption to others…well, just how is that supposed to work???

Ok, so we “saved” LuLu for a fate of most likely death…either by starvation or abuse. There’s a noble thought…but not really enough to keep me motivated or make me content with our plight. Come on…saving a child was NOT our motivation. And nominating me for sainthood is absurd! (Wanna tick me off…praise me with phrases like “I just couldn’t do what you’re doing.” Like I have a choice????) Just like many pre-adoptive parents I had those dreams of what our adoption would be like. The ones of a beautiful daughter will coal-black hair breezing through Montessori school, excelling academically, being gracefully physically talented and growing up healthy, happy and full of love, completing our already-loving family. We were adopting because WE wanted to be parents again. Ooowww…sometimes it’s hard to even recall those dreams because the reality is so different.

So, what do I do with this hatred of adoption??? It’s really a hatred that we as a society are not able to not only solve the problem of abused and traumatized children, but aren’t able to even look it squarely in the face. It is very politically incorrect to suggest that being adopted = being disabled. But from where I sit on the planet, nothing could be further from the truth. Many of the children available for adoption have been traumatized through abuse and neglect. And we want to sweep that under the rug…whether we’re adoption agencies, social workers, the media or perspective parents. Trust me, I know the “it won’t happen to me” thought process. And denial is a long, long river in Egypt!

Yet more and more evidence emerges from the scientific world that trauma from abuse and neglect (and some experts believe neglect is even more damaging) actually changes the formation of developing brains…perhaps in a permanent way. And yes, placing a child in a loving, stable home does give them amazing chances for healing…but not if the parents aren’t prepared and willing to go the distance.

Knowing all of this as intimately as I do, it still amazes me that I find these words trickling out of my mouth more often than not: “Have you considered the adoption option?” I’ve said it to childless couples, to blended families seeking to have a child, to those dealing with an unplanned pregnancy. Like Dr. G, I seem to run into people who are totally opposed to adoption as an option for unplanned pregnancy much more often than I meet those who are coercing birth moms to reliquish their babies. Many opt to raise the child on their own or are grandparents begrudgingly taking on the role because “no blood relative of mine…” Or they make the decision to terminate the pregnancy. These are both viable options, I don’t for a second question that…but why is that “third choice” so quickly dismissed?

Then there are those couples who look at me with wide eyes and say, “How could YOU suggest adoption to ME?” Translation: With all the life-altering problems your adoption has caused your family, why would you ever want me to subject myself to that torture?

And to those folks, I honestly don’t know what to say. But it does cut me to the quick. I would NEVER want another family to endure the pain we live with. But I also know there are countless children out there needing homes. And I was WRONG when I said I “hated” adoption. I hate all the grief, loss and tragedy that is an integral part of adoption. But I would never in a million years have learned so much about love, faith, perseverance and myself without adoption…without LuLu.