Comments on: Prescribing Sort of Backfired On Our Teenager

By: condo-mom

condo-mom — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 19:51:31 +0000

I need the flashing or scrolling sign in each room reminding me to “Never Ask Why” Or perhaps simply a big WHY? in a circle with a diagonal line through it !! — Rachel

By: Nancy Spoolstra

Nancy Spoolstra — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 14:26:00 +0000

Great blog and great answers! I, too, NEVER ask “why?” And I think prescribing the behavior is an excellent tool, for all the reasons Julie mentioned in her comment.

Hang in there Julia!!

By: Julie

Julie — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 12:58:02 +0000

I don't think it backfired. She didn't do the behaviors you prescribed. She did, however, find a way to let you know how angry she was.

Actually she was "thinking" by spitting on the carpet...thinking of what she could do to express her frustation that you had put her in a double bind by removing part of the satisfaction of stealing. When children have opposition as part of their disability, they want to be oppositional. Or should I say, they can't help it.

Unfortunately, because she made you visibly angry, she is likely to try this again. Here's where the challenge of staying calm comes in. Your consequence of cleaning the carpet was right on. But instead of engaging her in the meaningless "I don't know" conversation, you could just have commented how clever she was to find a way to both show you how angry she was at you AND clean the carpet at the same time. Now you were going to show her what to do to really clean the carpet.

Lots of people get worked up about this type of parenting being about "controlling" the children, but it is really about taking the children's negative control of the situation away. Whenever I'm able to stay calm and recognize what her behavior is clearly saying, then I'm freer to respond from a place of self-control on my part.

And, I try to avoid asking "why" -- they don't know "why" and even if they do understand, you will almost never get them to say things like "I spit on the carpet because I was so angry and frustrated that you took all the power out of my stealing."

Hang in there - it's tough stuff!

By: lmg1567

lmg1567 — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 02:08:28 +0000

Ewwww…. what will they think to do next? I find myself walking around the house disinfecting doorknobs (I know my boys do not wash their hands well) because it grosses me out to think about what may be floating around my house. I told my 13 yo son the other day that if he kept remarking to his sister how he “must not have wiped very well because he had marks in his undies” and laughing about it that I would have to start escorting him to the bathroom and making sure he wiped well (or I’d do it myself). He’s the size of a 6-7 yo so I could do it (although the very thought is revolting). The potty talk is ridiculous, especially at this age.