I’m failing miserably at my commitment to post a “thankful” blog everyday in November. At this point I’m 4 days behind. I really did think I could do this when I started because I am usually a very optimistic person. I made my list of things associated with adoption that I’m thankful for, but as I start to write about them, it doesn’t really ring true. At least not right now. It’s not that I’m not thankful for the fabulous adoptive parent friends I’ve made or the chance to learn about my daughter’s native culture or watching both my child and others’ bond with their families and learn to trust their parents. I am thankful for all these things, and perhaps will add them to my Project Thankful blogs in the coming days.

But my present reality is that I’m still struggling to be thankful about how adoption has changed my life (which was the point of the blog series, right?). It has irreversibly altered my life in nearly every way. It has changed not only who I am, but who every family member is, what we are able to do, what our futures will look like. I know this is not the fate of everyone who adopts. But it is our fate. We love LuLu beyond even our own realizations. But her needs are so great, her disorders so overwhelming, and the battles we have had to fight for her so intense, that all other aspects of our lives have been put on hold or changed forever.

Joy has often been hard to find. When I do find it, it shows up in simple things. I am now aware that much of what most of us consider important in life – our possessions, our financial security, our careers, our acquaintances, our hobbies – can all be stripped away, and we can still get up every morning and survive. There’s joy in watching progress of a special needs child. And there’s joy in knowing you’re making a heart connection with a child who would never have had that heart connection if it hadn’t been for you choosing to parent them. But…

It’s hard to be thankful when the reminders of how my life differs from others’ rear their ugly heads every day. Yesterday I got a letter from the certification board of my old “profession”. It said my certification was expiring at the end of this year and I needed to submit my documentation of 50 hours of continuing education credits. In the back of my mind, I had decided that my certification was expiring NEXT year (it is a 3-year renewal) and that perhaps (in my wildest dreams) I would be able to garner enough credits to renew. I have 4 CEUs…not likely to get 46 more in the next 6 weeks. Sigh. It’s not a big deal, logically. I have no time to pursue my old career (which does not require certification to practice – it’s just that I’ve held certification since 1993 and will have to retest if I ever want to have it again.) In fact, even if I was able to work again right now, I know my heart and passion would insist upon a career change that had nothing to do with marketing and communication for engineers and architects (sounds boring, doesn’t it????) It’s more like it was a reminder I got in the mail that I’m not what I once was and that no matter how much I enjoyed that life…there’s no going back. And that’s been the hardest part…the reminders of what used to be that now isn’t. The longing for a life that is not in some kind of crisis.

I’m sorry, dear readers, if this post is a “downer”. I do want to set you straight on two very important points though. I am now, and will always be, pro-adoption. While our particular experience has been what it is and we are not adopting again, it is still such a valuable and awesome way of growing a family. I realize that our experience has been an extreme one (although one shared by others, so worth reporting). The other point I want to make is how much we love LuLu and are committed to her. Her disorders are not because she was adopted. Many of them, I believe, are because she was in an orphanage full of neglect, abuse and poor nutrition. But there are also environmental toxicity factors, genetic predeterminations, and just “the luck of the draw” that could be “blamed” for why she struggles with all she struggles with.

So, here it is...another “I’m not thankful” Project Thankful post.