Seeing The Nanny Diaries last night made me think. The movie depicted over-the-top narcissistic parents who were obsessed with their own lives, free time, money, and social position. The audience “got it” that these parents were BAD. And the audience “got it” that the cavalier attitude they had about dismissing multiple nannies and constantly uprooting their son’s life was emotionally damaging.

It never ceases to amaze me that we as a society can “get it” so readily in the movies, but in real life people are so surprised when our foster and adoptive children have trauma and abandonment issues. What’s not to understand???

I started thinking about whether it was ever a good idea for an adoptive parent, especially one of a special child to hire a nanny. I think there are lots of issues to consider if you are trying to make this decision. First…a little history on me…

When I was pregnant with Kay, I was a busy marketing manager, climbing the corporate ladder in a job I really liked. I really wanted to start a family and was thrilled that I was pregnant. But I viewed all things through my working woman (soon-to-be working mom) lens. Yet, even though I didn’t know one millionth as much about infant bonding and emotional health as I know now, I knew that Kay would need one-on-one care from someone who loved her.

So I did two things. I took 3 months of unpaid maternity leave AND I hired a live-in nanny. We weren’t wealthy by any stretch of the imagination, but we had an extra bedroom, were near the local college and found a college girl who was willing to work for room, board and help with her tuition. It was a win-win for all of us.

Carla, our nanny, moved in with us before Kay was born. She needed the place to live and to get settled before school started. So, she was around (although working a part-time job) during the 3 months I was home with Kay. This time together for all of us was invaluable. I gained my bearings as a new mom, Kay got lots of Mommy time, and Carla learned much about both us. In fact, it was one huge bonding-fest.

So by the time I went back to work, Carla as able to keep Kay’s schedule and care for her very much like I would. And Carla and I had become good friends. Since I was breastfeeding, Carla actually brought Kay to my office on my lunch hour. When my employer asked me to travel to various places, Carla and Kay accompanied me. Carla quickly became extended family. We were so lucky!

Kay is 16 years old and Carla (and her family) are intricately involved in our lives. She has been my business partner for 7 years, and we operate very much like sisters. And it all started with this nanny relationships.

So, should you have a nanny? There are many pitfalls, that Carla and I were able to avoid. Adopted children need that “alone with mom bonding time” even more than my newborn did. Regardless of the age that they are chronologically, they need that special one-on-one nurturing. That doesn’t really lend itself to hiring a nanny. Children do attach to their nannies. And those who don’t have healthy attachments to their parents may turn to the nanny to fill that role.

Carla was extra careful to make my relationship with my daughter the primary one. Never once did Carla attempt to get Kay to “prefer” her over me. In fact, she didn’t tell me after the fact that she had been talking for a couple days to Carla (Mama…Mama) before she called me “Mama”. Carla didn’t want to spoil it for me. Kay, being the ornery child she can sometimes be, refused to say it to me, once she realized I so longed to hear it. But she would point to my picture and tell Carla “Mama” all day long!

Children who have been shuffled from caregiver to caregiver in their young lives are probably not the best candidates for being cared for by a nanny, when one of the parents is available. The problem with nannies is that they have a tendency to leave. In some programs their departure is expected and even sometimes scheduled. But little account is given to how this situation can impact the child’s fragile sense of trust. Some adoptive children have a hard time trusting the concept of a “forever” mom or dad. Nannies who aren’t “forever” only make that situation worse.

But the flip side is true as well. If you need daycare for your adopted child (and most adoptive moms do), then I can’t think of a better caretaker option than hiring a nanny. I couldn’t bear the idea of placing LuLu in a traditional daycare center, because I knew it would remind her of the institutional setting from which she’d come. So, although I couldn’t afford (nor did I have room for) a live-in nanny, I hired an at-home daycare provider instead. She watched the children in her home, the number of children attending was pretty low, and she had a classroom set up in her home, where she worked on some basic preschool academics with the children.

It was a great place, and she loved LuLu. But the truth was that LuLu needed so much more individualized care than that…and who better to do it but her Mama?

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