If you’re parenting a special needs child, chances are your friends and family have faced a very large adjustment as well. Some of them, sadly, are just not able to cope.

I’m “listening” to a conversation on one of the listserves I belong to started by the mother of a young boy with significant special needs (developmental, emotional, trauma). She is lamenting that a friend she’s had for years just doesn’t get it. Others are chiming in with similar stories. In fact, it doesn’t take very long before most parents of special needs children feel like strangers in their old social circles.

Our friends, when confronted with the realities of our children’s special needs, often react one of the following ways:

1. “You’re making a bigger deal out of this than it is.” Their reaction is that “all children do that” and “it can’t be as bad as you’re describing”. Friends may not be seeing as clearly as you do what is going on with your child. Some, in fact, may be in denial. Especially if the special need is developmental, psychological, emotional…those are the ones that people are easily embarrassed about.
2. “If only you were more/less…” These are the friends who recognize the struggle you’re having with your child, but somehow think your parenting is to blame. They may not REALLY think you are to blame, but it’s hard not to feel that way when they say it. What they may be doing is searching for answers, for things that make sense to them, with their limited knowledge of your child’s special needs.
3. “Man, this is really overwhelming. I’m not sure how much more I can take.” I am always blown away when I hear for a friend or family member with this kind of reaction. But it happens. You are the one with the crisis and they are the ones feeling overwhelmed! Yet, these folks are just being honest. They can’t take the heat in your kitchen. It reminds me of the dolphin story that our therapist told me. Facing our children's pain and trauma is often way too much for others to handle emotionally.

So what is the parent of special needs children supposed to do for friends?