I was eavesdropping on a conversation of moms of young adopted children, some with defined special needs, but most not. They were discussing the “drop off” procedures for their kindergarteners and their dissatisfaction with what was taking place.

One mom was told at the “get acquainted” night that there would be teachers and paraprofessionals in the hallway to walk the children to class. She was relieved because the kindergarten classes were toward the back of the school, and she knew her son couldn’t navigate his way on his own. But to her dismay, after only one week of school, the greeting teachers were no longer there. When she spoke to her son’s teacher about it, she got a curt “he should know his way around by now.”

Other moms chimed in with stories about how their children, all who have some level of anxiety about being left at school (abandonment issues) or have noted trouble making transitions (because of their disorder), have difficulties if not walked to the classroom. Then another mom, a teacher, interjected why it was problematic for parents to walk children to their classrooms everyday. There are many security concerns with lots of adults milling around.

I found it helpful (important actually) to walk LuLu to class everyday…even when she was in 3rd grade. It was a hassle, because each day we had to go into the office, sign in, get me a name tag, and then I had to sign back out as I left to follow the security procedures. But the interface with her teacher and other staff on a daily basis was important. They got to know me and I them in those daily encounters. It definitely helped foster communication.

So while some of the moms concluded that perhaps it wasn’t helpful to insist that they be allowed to accompany their child to class (and be labeled a problem mom), I think there’s a way to do what is best for your child and not become the enemy.

At the root of needing to help your child make those transitions is the realization that many of our children, due to their adoption histories, grief and loss issues, and abandonment triggers, react with more anxiety than other children. We also know that sometimes their anxiety is not manifested in a way that the teacher will recognize. So the teacher may not understand that he/she is looking at a stressed-out kid.

How to get what you know is best for your child in this situation? I think being polite goes a long way. Polite, but persistent is the name of the game. And confident. Instead of asking if it would be alright if I walked her to class. I’d say something like this:

“My daughter has a lot of anxiety about transitions and change, and I’m concerned that we minimize that as much us possible, so when I drop her off in the morning, I will gladly bring her here to this classroom. Can you tell me what check in procedures I need to go through so that the school knows I’m here?”

This is not said defensively, but with an attitude that you’re helping your daughter AND the school by making her transition as stress-free as possible. Then, no grumbling about whatever procedures they impose on you to get your child safely to class each day.

For several years, in many instances, polite persistence paid off in getting what my daughter needed. Our current school situation is much larger than the issues described above and requires that I be a totally different kind of Mama Bear at this juncture.

But I’d start with polite persistence, remembering that I know what’s in the best interest of my child. And at the same time, realizing that teachers hate to be confronted by a parent and will look for ways to dismiss what you say as being too emotional. So if you’re polite while being very matter-of-fact about what your child needs, they will often agree, just because you didn’t put them on the defensive.

Good luck to all those starting school, especially for the first time. Don’t let anyone convince you not to advocate for what your child needs. It is what you MUST do as your child’s awesome parent. Just advocate with kindness, when you can. There’s plenty of time later for the war, if it becomes that.