Here’s a polarizing topic: mom of PI kid (post-institutionalized, internationally adopted child) seeks advice on her son’s daycare. Son has been home a little over a year and in daycare for about nine months or so. He had a rough time adjusting to the daycare center, but initially settled in. Now that the center has moved him up to a new “class” with new caretakers and 2-year-olds instead of infants, he has become increasingly distressed. He cries for longer periods at drop-off and his sleep has been greatly disrupted.

Mom frantically wants to know what to do. Except she’s already said, “Quitting my job and staying at home is NOT the answer. I just can’t afford that right now, so don’t tell me that’s what I should do. Hearing that will make me feel too guilty.”

EEEEK! My head is spinning. About 7-8 years ago, I could have asked for the same type of advice with the same caveat. What can I do to make life less traumatic for my child who is obviously suffering from attachment difficulties and extreme separation anxiety…short of quit my job, that is?

Well, short of giving the child a primary caretaker to attach to, everything else may be less-than-successful. It was the answer I didn’t want to hear…yet it was THE answer. When we returned home with LuLu, I took 3 months off of work then put her in an in-home daycare situation where this lovely nurturing woman watched 4 other children. I was cognizant that some daycare settings would be “institutional” enough to possibly hinder her emotional development. But I had no clue about PTSD or attachment or what it really took to heal a wounded child.

We limped along for a year or so, LuLu going to daycare; me working 50+ hours a week. LuLu was also receiving therapies through the Early Intervention program and eventually was enrolled in the special needs preschool. In hindsight the special needs preschool at that point was a huge mistake. My child didn’t need socialization. She did need (and still needs) speech therapy. But what she really needed was a consistent, available primary caretaker to attach to. One who was willing and able to learn from an attachment therapist exactly what to do.

Well, LuLu is never one to not make her needs known. (Her preferred flight, fight or freeze response is FIGHT!) So behaviors were deteriorating rapidly in November 1999, and I decided to quit work and start my own consulting business. This helped, but I still had too much work and still had to use the in-home daycare part-time. LuLu needed more.

Looking back, I wish I had realized sooner what benefits LuLu would reap when I stayed home and focused on attachment. I fought this obvious decision tooth and nail because it was so what I didn’t want for me! It has been extremely hard on me, because my whole sense of identify was FIRMLY tied to having a career. Yet I had chosen motherhood and, even though I’d had working motherhood successfully with the other children, this time was different. I was parenting a child with special needs; and one of those needs was to BE THERE.

So, what can I say to a mom asking for advice, but not wanting to hear that staying at home may be not only the BEST way, but might be the ONLY way to build the attachment, trust and emotional health her little guy needs? What can I say when she counters with the number of bills they have, her desire for a career, the needs of the others in the family? A job, a career, the income…it all seems so necessary, doesn’t it?

It is a touchy subject for sure. Just what would you say?

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