LuLu has always cracked me up whenever we talk about the Fruit of the Spirit. She is most fascinated with this topic, because she so longs for the fruit. One year it was the theme of our Vacation Bible School and the children all got bracelets with one of the fruits on the bracelet. LuLu chose Self Control.

The irony is huge here, as LuLu is truly the most impulsive child I have ever met. If the thought goes through her head she acts on it or speaks it. While I can explain that all away with the ADHD and OCD diagnoses, it doesn’t make it any easier to live with. And probably the most frustrating thing about parenting LuLu is that imposing consequences (the way one would normally teach a child self control) has never worked for LuLu. She ALWAYS escalates.

She has to learn things “the hard way” (her words), by natural consequences and learning first hand the cause and effect. Which is why approaches like Love & Logic seem to be better suited for LuLu.

Her impulsivity is finally becoming a trait that she recognizes. Some of this is because she’s maturing. Some is because I’ve willed myself to quit “owning” her behaviors and to try to respond without judgment and emotionality (which always causes her anxiety and shame and escalates her behaviors). So, she sees more clearly that it was her impulsivity that caused something to happen, but she also isn’t faced with mom’s disapproval to trigger her already deep-seated feelings of inadequacy.

Blogger’s Note: Lest you think I’m perfect…which I am far from…I fail on this responding without judgment and emotionality business at least once a day…but I’m working on it!
Because she’s realizing this, she’s been better able to work on self control. Here’s an example. We’re in Target the other day and she’s looking at the Halloween stuff. There’s a display with all the fake bones and decorations. LuLu impulsively touches a bone and the whole skeleton falls apart. Now I could have reacted to this with my mom scolding, but I caught myself.

Instead, LuLu grunted and started to escalate. I just said “Uh, oh, looks like your brain forgot to tell you not to touch that,” in a very matter-of-fact, kind voice (yes, it takes LOTS of practice). She looked at me, shook her head and said “I’m too impulsive.” I didn’t even say the obvious “Yes you are.” But instead replied with a smile in my voice, “Get it cleaned up and let’s go look at the costumes.”

Last night I sent LuLu up to brush her teeth. (She was already past her bedtime because I’d been out to Kay’s play and home late…and she was with a babysitter.) The phone rang, and I got detained. LuLu dawdled on brushing and getting into bed. I’ve been letting her sleep downstairs in the rec room/class room because she wants to (not sure why, has something to do with how dark the room is, I think). But I told her since she’d dawdled, she needed to just crawl into her own bed quickly and get to sleep. She was unhappy, and started toward a meltdown. But I had a hunch that she might actually “get it” this time, so I tried to explain to her how consequences work.

“Lu, if you go to bed right now in your room and get to sleep, I’ll be happy to let you sleep in the rec room tomorrow night. But if you can’t calm down and do what I’ve said, then you’re showing me your not ready for sleeping downstairs.”

The message hit her frontal lobe this time, instead of her impulsive/emotional brain. She processed. I continued,

“This is the way consequences work between parents and children. If I tell you stop doing something and you can earn a privilege, and you really stop doing it, you’ll earn the privilege. If you continue to have a fit because you want to do it NOW, you’ll only make it worse. Parents teach like this because it’s the way the grownup world works too. Sometimes you have to stop doing things, wait for things, do certain things you don’t want to do to get the things you want. If you throw a fit about it, it only makes it harder to get the things you want.”

The soil was fertile, and the message sunk in. We hugged, prayed and I tucked her in. She went right to sleep. SUCCESS!

I was SO proud of her at that moment. This is a huge obstacle for her. To not flair up when a privilege is revoked has been something she’s battled for years. I hate to think about how many more times we’ll have to work through that same lesson before she’s able to show the fruit of self-control. But to see her be able to do it once gives me great hope.

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