Today was LuLu’s first day at a social skills day camp. She was excited to be going (independent of mom) and so was I. As is often expected with her excitement, she began to escalate. We couldn’t find her tennis shoes, and for a moment I thought a meltdown was about to start.

Instead, she pulled it together (albeit shaky) and we settled for some heavy-soled sandals and a rush to the car. She started to go down her negative thought path, but I kept talking her back, reminding her how much fun she was going to have, how much she had been looking forward to this and how it didn’t matter that we felt a bit rushed or stressed about being late…that we were on our way. I topped off my words with a big smile and lots of eye contact.

“Are you going to cry, Mom?” she asked.

I was puzzled by this and asked her what she meant.

“Cry because you’re so happy that I’m going to camp?”

“No honey, I’m happy for you, but not to the point of crying. Are you going to cry because you’re so happy?” I asked.

“I’ve never been that happy, Mom,” was the reply.

LuLu’s profound insights into herself often stop me in my tracks.

“I hope you are that happy someday, Lu,” was all I could muster up.

“Maybe when I get married, Mom.”

Tears of joy confound my child. She watches her adoption video and sees exactly that…her mom as a blubbering idiot. And she doesn’t understand.

Somewhere deep in her psyche is imbedded that crying is a sign of weakness. For years she never cried AT ALL. Now, at least she cries out of frustration and overwhelming fear. But sadness, and especially empathy for others, continue to be rare moments of tears. Which is why her non-stop cry-a-thon over Charlotte’s Web was nothing short of a small miracle.

As I ruminate about all this (in my house all alone for a change…without LuLu hanging around because she’s at the camp!), I realize that what she may have been saying was that she felt so excited, so happy, so full of anticipation that if she had been able she might have worked up the tears of joy.

And this makes me filled with both great joy and sadness at the same time. How incredibly difficult it is to be LuLu.