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One of the most beneficial parts of spending our entire life’s savings (and all our future savings as well) on our due process hearing is that for the first time we had professionals who were actively focused on identifying and exploring the extent of LuLu’s disabilities (beyond the attachment disorder and related psychological issues). The evaluations conducted were amazing. One of the most astounding epiphanies for me was to understand the extent of her processing disabilities (sensory, auditory, vision and language). There’s a lot of pedagogical banter between the professionals (private vs. school system) about what the test results mean. But for me, the mom, it was crystal clear. LuLu tested consistently at about 1% or 2% in processing (auditory and visual)…which means that 98% of the population of children her same age are able to make better sense out of the information they take in through their ears and eyes than she does. So it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to imagine how difficult it must be to make sense of the world with that great of an impairment. No wonder she was frustrated; no wonder she was prone to lashing out, not responding appropriately; interrupting and seeking adult attention. She had learned that most semi-compassionate adults would repeat themselves and seek to help her understand.
In other words, I could clearly see, for the first time, the extent of that portion of her disability and how it colored her whole world. There are definitely things she “can’t” do in the areas of processing and understanding communication.
But, deciding that all of my daughter’s behaviors are because she “can’t” do something underestimates my daughter. And the pitfall becomes that if I decide she “can’t” do something, how do I promote healing and not just keep enabling her to remain disabled?
This is more of an issue for disabilities of the brain…developmental or emotional…in my opinion. While I think it’s important to realize that it truly is a disability and not willful misbehavior, we impede the healing by not recognizing how much of the progress is within the control of our child…and that there are choices he/she must make.
The question asked by one reader who commented on my posts recently was:
“Who wouldn’t want to be attached, to be more normal?”
From my vantage point…I agree…who would want to live her life with no one to love, no depth of relationship? Yet, I know many, many people who do…to varying extents…and most I would not label as having Attachment Disorder. And I have to remind myself that my child was not born into the same stable environment I was. The insidious thing about problems in our brain is that they are profoundly both biological and psychological. And scientists have not adequately resolved which one is more powerful or the cause of the other…in fact, I think the two are indistinguishable linked. You can’t change because you won’t and you won’t change because you can’t – the truth is that both are true.
I do believe there are those who “won’t” change, because the more I know about trauma and its effects, the more I realize that a traumatized person’s actions are often constructs to help the person maintain control…to be safe. And even after the brain chemistry is altered (by medications or biomedical interventions) the person’s belief systems and habits still need to be addressed. And that’s where the “won’t” comes in. I know parents who are trying their darnedest with these “won’t” kids…and some kids who eventually end up not living in families because, despite our best interventions (biochemically, neurodevelopmentally and psychologically) they aren’t willing to step out of that comfortable dysfunction into the scary world of healing.
The reason that therapy works for some people is because they buy into it…and are trying to help themselves. It’s hard to imagine how therapy would be effective if a person chooses not to allow it to work. There may biological/chemical/neurodevelopmental reasons that psychotherapy doesn’t work for many of our kids…but when it does work, it’s because the child agrees to work toward healing…agrees to come outside of the dysfunctional world they’ve constructed for themselves. They agree with us that they want to be “normal”.
Faith Allen, one of our talented bloggers at Adoptionblogs.com often comments on others’ posts about trauma with great insight as an adult who was traumatized as a child. Here’s a recent quote from a comment on Jan’s blog that I found especially insightful:
Trauma cannot be undone. You can heal your wounds and choose to make lemonade out of life’s lemons, but you will never be the person you would have been without the trauma.
For anyone who has been traumatized, we need to set different goals for ourselves. We will never be like people who have not known trauma. However, we can still focus on the rainbow that appears after the rain. We can find the beauty of renewal within ourselves, and we can rest in the knowledge of knowing that we can never be broken.
What I see in Faith’s description is the perfect answer to can’t vs. won’t. What I hear her saying is that she “can’t” be “normal” the way those of us without childhood trauma could be. Yet she has to choose to be healed…and if she had not, then she would have “chosen” remain broken.
Thanks for the great insight Julie, Can you be more specific on the auditory and visual test that were performed that allowed you to know she was processing at 1 -2%. I’d like to pursue this for my 13yo daughter. Julie
What a FABULOUS post, Julie.
“Who wouldn’t want to be attached, to be more normal?”
I know many people who would theoretically like to be more attached, but they are too afraid to risk attaching. The last time they tried to attach, their souls were shattered into thousands of pieces. It takes an enormous amount of courage to risk trusting again, and trust is a key ingredient of attaching.
And, yes, you sum up what I was saying nicely. I could choose to heal, or I could choose to stay broken. However, healed or broken, I will never be “normal” as defined as being like a person who was never traumatized. Instead, I have learned to re-define “normal.” I am a “normal” abuse survivor, and my reactions to the abuse are quite “normal.”
Being a “normal” abuse survivor who has chosen to heal has brought with it many gifts that are not experienced by many “normal” non-survivors. I see these gifts as part of my “lemonade” or “rainbow.”
- Faith
One of the middle roads here is to say that a child CAN’T heal without certain environmental supports and therapeutic interventions. Brain damage won’t heal through pure willpower. Just like a paralyzed kid CAN’T move around independently without a wheelchair, but can be very independent with a high-quality power chair, and somewhat independent with a regular wheelchair. There are certain things our kids NEED in order to heal. Then they can choose. And a kid may not be able to be accountable for certian behaviors today because he is still working on more basic goals, but can be held accountable for those behaviors in the future, after some more healing has occured. I don’t think it helps to hold kids accountable for things they are not yet ready for- this just adds to feelings of failure. But given the right supports, kids with lots of disabilities CAN work up to higher and higher levels of healing.
Good point, Nancy. Healing is not an “all or nothing” thing: It happens in layers. Also, children (and adults) need certain environmental factors in order to even have the opportunity to heal. For example, a person needs to be safe. Somebody who is continuing to live with her abuser is going to have a VERY hard time healing. Providing a loving and safe environment is the first step to enabling a child to heal.
- Faith
(Thinks of Pearl, I’m obsessed because what Pearl and Ezzo support is unhealthy)
It seems like trauma doesn’t really go away, even on a historical level. It seems to engrain itself on families, on countries, practically in the land.
It’s depressing, but the only thing one can do is face it and try to heal it and stuff like this blog helps.
Great blog, Julie!