The Dangers of Deciding She “Won’t” Heal

I posted recently on how I knew that my daughter was attached to me, when, indeed she had previously been unattached, or had much dysfunction in that area. I mused that I wished I understood why some kids healed and others didn’t…why some kids’ attachment problems seem like things they “can’t” over come and some seem like they “won’t” get over them.

A reader posted that she didn’t believe there was a difference between “can’t” and “won’t”… that children with attachment problems don’t heal because they can’t…because their brains won’t let them.

This comment stirred up my own internal controversy about how much is “can’t” and how much is “won’t” in our kids. While I don’t agree with the reader that there isn’t a difference between “can’t” and “won’t”, I see at least part of her point…and am always concerned when I hear parents (or in our case, educators) view invisible disabilities as an act of willful misbehavior (they WON’T stop doing these things!)

It is very dangerous to go too far down the path of our children being manipulative little creatures who are out to get us. It is easy to “feel” that way; especially when dealing with attachment disorder and trauma. These children, but the nature of their dysfunction, seem to target and push our own traumas and attachment weaknesses. And if they get an emotional reaction, then it is embedded in their brains to repeat what appears to be a very purposeful act.

But as parents, we’re called to be “thinkers” as much as we’re called to be “feelers”…so we much realize that it’s not “all about us”. In fact, if we’ve adopted a child traumatized by others…it’s not about us at all (even though all outward behaviors of the kid make it look like it’s about rejecting US big time.)

That’s why in the blog, I seek to tell you about the research that shows how trauma, neglect, poor nutrition and other institutional effects, and effects from early childhood maltreatment, actually alter our children’s brains and make it difficult for them to heal. Because their brains ARE different. There is decidedly a disability for many of these children, and all children adopted from a background of abuse/neglect are traumatized and at-risk for a host of problems.

To decide differently is very dangerous. To decide that it is all the kid’s “fault” that they act the way they do accomplishes nothing. First of all it creates an adversarial and negative atmosphere that no child could truly thrive in. Secondly, it give the child’s disorder (or the child himself if you believe it’s a “won’t”) all the power and control. If the child “won’t” change…then the child has all the power to make the situation worse or better. And because children with attachment disorder usually exhibit the desire to be in control at all cost and to usurp authority from their primary caregiver, when the caregiver gets locked into viewing the child as willingly not changing…the power struggles are HUGE!

And, as Nancy pointed out on a recent post on her blog, when a child’s behaviors are hard to deal with, we often slip into “mom mode” of becoming dictatorial in our parenting…in large part, to protect ourselves from the incredible wound left by the realization that the child doesn’t (or isn’t able to, depending on your view) love us.

Deciding the child’s at “fault” and “won’t” heal is a dangerous conclusion to make, because if we dig our heels in there, we loose all hope…and what we get is the ol’ self-fulfilling prophesy…an unhealed, unattached, emotional unstable child.

Now the true confession part…I have fallen into this trap more times than I want to admit. It is easy to see a child’s behavior as the cause of our dismay and to do everything in our power to STOP the offending behavior and take on each battle as one that needed to be won…as total obedience being the goal.

I had lots of help in developing this attitude. Even though my head understood the research on brain chemistry and neurodevelopment, my heart and ego were fed by two thoughts…if she loved us and wanted to be part of our family, she’d behave; and how could a child of mine act like that if I was really a good parent (so I must be doing something wrong). The feedback I was getting from the school system came in to play to this big time. They gave lip service to her special needs…but kept telling me it was all “emotionality” – educatese for “she’s misbehaving because she won’t keep her emotions in check.”

So deciding that our child’s behavior is all about willful disobedience and an active desire to manipulate, control and destroy us is a dangerous path to go down. Believing that our child doesn’t heal because he “won’t” often results in a child who doesn’t heal. We have to recognize the “can’t” part of this equation.

But, after pondering this for some time, I believe it’s equally dangerous to decide that a child doesn’t heal because he “can’t”.

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