Like I said, emotionally I’m all over the place. The surprising thing is the emotions aren’t all negative. And as a good friend is fond of saying “your feelings are just your feelings”, meaning they are what they are and can’t be changed.

Fear. This is the obvious emotion that governed my steps in the days leading up to yesterday’s trip to hospitalize LuLu. We’re all afraid of the unknown. I’m no exception. I’ve counseled and supported enough parents of challenging children to know that psych hospitals aren’t always positive places for our children. And you never know what’s going to happen when you put your child in hands of new professionals.

But the fear ran both ways, and I was increasingly worried about what would happen if LuLu followed through on some of her self-harming thoughts (or her threats to hurt others). In the past they have been just verbal “garbage”, but whether you call it depression, extreme emotional pain or hopelessness, her feelings of despair are very heavy right now. So the fear of not being able to keep her (and the rest of us) safe was the one I acted upon.

Frustration. I’m highly frustrated that all we’ve done with LuLu hasn’t kept her from this point. It isn’t for the lack of trying (on our part or hers). Sending her to the pysch hospital feels like failure no matter how I try to talk myself out of that thought.

Sadness. This goes hand in hand with the frustration. I’m just sad that life is so hard for LuLu. That she can’t pull herself out if this.

Skeptical. I’m skeptical that anyone can. I have no earthly idea what this hospital doctor and these mental health professionals are going to be able to do for her that a plethora of others have not. But, since last time was a positive experience, I’m holding out a glimmer of hope.

Joy. Yes you read that right…joy. There were two brief feelings of joy yesterday. The first was after LuLu’s insistence that she go to the hospital because she needed help. This means that she WANTS help, and in that I found joy. How can there not be a “way out” for a child who wants to heal? (I suppose there can, but I see so many families where the children don’t want to do the hard work, that I realize how important her motivation is.)

The other joyful moments were in her appropriate attached emotions. She was teary-eyed at certain junctures yesterday, and responded correctly to my own tears (comforting me, and getting emotional herself). For any parents dealing with RAD or attachment issues, you now this is a huge sign of healing! We have worked hard over the last 9 years to build that relationship. And I’m so happy to report that being attached to our family is probably the healthiest thing about LuLu at this point. This, because I recognize it’s significance, gives me deep joy.

Relief. Yes, I feel tremendous relief at not having her here today – not having to be vigilant about her moods or deal with her outbursts and other behaviors. It is quite freeing, in fact! Assuming I can keep all the other emotions at bay, I may find ways to actually enjoy myself.

Guilty. On the heels of the relief, and about the time I start to dream about all the unencumbered things I could do with my free time, I start to feel guilty. I woke this morning feeling guilty that she may indeed miss our Halloween activities at church Sunday night or Halloween itself next Wednesday. In the grand scheme of things this isn’t a big deal. But she was helping us prepare for the church event, and will feel the loss. Remember these are my FEELINGS, and don’t have to be based in logical mom-thought.

So for today, “taking it easy” is what’s on the agenda. And waiting to hear from the doctor and his thoughts about the amazing LuLu.


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