The Overwhelmed Mom Blues

To be sung to your favorite blues riff:

Early every morning
Alarm clock fills my head.
Even at 5:30 am
My heart fills with dread.

I stumble to the kitchen
Search for the coffee pot.
The impending doom
Fills my soul a lot.

I’m an overwhelmed mom
Of a special needs kid.
Not sure how I got in this place,
Was it something I did?

Day after day
Nothing seems to change.
Researching, calling
Appointments to arrange.

Around every corner
There’s a battle to fight
School, insurance, and more

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Championing her right.

I’m an overwhelmed mom
Of a special needs kid.
Not sure how I got in the place,
Was it something I did?

I can’t seem to shake it,
This feeling of sad.
If I think much about it,
I’m convinced I’ll go mad.

Can’t look at the future.
Or anticipate
Will she be independent?
What will be our fate?

I’m an overwhelmed mom
Of a special needs kid.
Not sure how I got in the place,
Was it something I did?

There are three things you should be able to realize from the ditty above. First, I will never make it big as a lyricist. Second, Kay is doing a unit on poetry and I was helping her late last night. And finally, I’m feeling just plain overwhelmed.

It happens…that overwhelmed feeling. Granted it doesn’t happen as much as it used to (thanks to the 5 HTP), but there are many days I awake with a pervasive feeling of impending doom. My self-talk becomes a loop that says “I’m sad. I’m miserable. Life is awful.” It rarely has a direct correlation to LuLu’s behaviors. Admittedly sometimes that has something to do with it. But mostly it is when I’m in a place of quiet reflection of my own life and taking on some of those “I wish” thoughts.

It is then that I realize how little control I have over my own circumstances and how differently I wish things were. And I start to sink into that place of despair. The bright side of feeling this way is a personal, in-depth understanding of what our children with past traumas must be enduring. That overwhelming feeling of helplessness, loss of control, impending doom!

The direct cause of my current sadness is the on-going limbo state we are in with the school system. Our case is currently in federal appeal, where it has been since mid-March. The whole ordeal, beginning in February 2006, radically altered my life, as LuLu had to stay home with me, where she’s been since then, with no services at all provided from the school system. While things have improved for LuLu and it was truly the best (and only) choice for her, for me…well it has thrown my world into a tailspin.

I have told myself over the last 15 months that our situation is only “temporary”. But frankly the definition of temporary is a bit hazy for me. In February 2006 I envisioned temporary as 45 days. After all IDEA says due process hearings occur within 45 days of filing. I didn’t know that we would have our first of 13 hearing dates scheduled in 45 days, spreading over the next 6 months with another 3 months for the decision to be handed down. I didn’t know the system was corrupt and that even though the decision ruled in our favor on several counts, the judge would rule that the IEP was valid (how you take major portions out of an IEP and say they are not valid, but still rule that the IEP should be enacted is beyond me.)

So I’m stuck in what everyone can logically point out is a temporary situation. But how long until something changes? How long until there’s some good news for a change? What if the good news never comes?

This is the part of the post where I’m supposed to give you some tips on how to beat the Overwhelmed Mom Blues. But I don’t have any advice to dole out.

I’m almost always able to shake the most severe sadness. In fact, this is yesterday’s dose that I’m writing about today. This morning’s light has made things better. I have more energy, a “to-do” list, some plans. And I can ignore the nagging voice that reminds me how overwhelming it all is…at least for today.

So tell me, Overwhelmed Moms of special needs kids: How do you cope when you’re singing the blues?

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