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Most parents are familiar with the time-out concept. You put your child on a chair or some other area away from you for a set amount of time as a discipline technique.
For most kids this is effective, but in traumatized children it can have a negative effect. Some of our children have been neglected and sending them to their rooms or other area for a time out can aggravate feelings of abandonment or neglect. This can trip a trauma trigger in your child and cause the behaviors you are trying to avoid to become worse.
In children with these issues, using a time-in may be more effective. With the time-out the child is away from you. With a time-in you do the exact opposite. Your child remains close to you, or in your lap to allow the child to feel safe and deescalate.
While on the surface it may seem that you are rewarding your child for negative behavior the positive emotional impact of a time-in can help the child heal from trauma. Most times our kids act out because they have feelings they cannot put into words. They are trying to elevate stress in the only way they know how.
A time-in is not used as a punishment, but rather as a way to help the child feel safe. You have the child sit next to you or within eye sight of you. Give the child some toys to play with or some books to read and “check in” with the child every ten to fifteen minutes or so. Tell your child that you are there, whisper “I love you” or some other similar sentiment, ask how the child is doing or whatever method will let your child know that you are checking in.
Similar methods can also in the school setting. Rather than sending the child out of the room or to whatever area is set aside for time-outs, your child may do better by having time sitting next to the teacher. If the teacher is at the desk, the teacher can have your child pull up a chair and sit next to the desk. If the teacher is in the middle of leading the class in an activity, have the child sit near the teacher within easy eyesight where the teacher can easily check in with your child.
Watch for trauma signs in your child if you are currently using a time-out technique. If you see the negative behaviors increasing at the mention of a time-out, trying changing techniques and see if things change.
Photo credit – Kelly L. Killian
I like this idea but no sure it would really help. Our house is my Second Child’s 5th home (First his birth parents who loved him, then grandparents who loved him, then uncle’s who burned and neglected him, then an orphanage who loved him, then with us, who love him).
When is gets upset with me it’s so hard on him. He refuses to wear any cloths I have bought for him and often goes to sleep naked under the bed (Because I bought the bed for him too) The poor kid. He stands there crying, I try to comfort him but he pushes me away so I stand there telling him that I love him, that he is allowed to be mad at me and I will still love him.
But he usually tries to run off and be alone. I have started to allow this, hoping that he will feel safer this way. Usually the next day he is fine and asks to spend time with me, which I happily do. I have started to make sure that he gets more one-on-one time then the others for he seems to need it.
If I was to try this I’m not sure he would remain near me. I feel that he will try and run off to be alone. Is it wrong for him to be alone?
We are big believers of the Time-in approach. Gives me time to talk with the child and find out what is really going on in their head. When we did use the time-out approach we ended up with more raging and broken items. Live and Learn, I say.