I am by no means an expert on children’s grief. But, having been through a family death recently (and the loss of three of LuLu’s grandparents in the decade she’s been in our family), I can offer you the insights I have for dealing with special needs children and their responses to death…or at least MY special needs child and HER responses to death.

Keep in mind that our children will each respond as differently as we do. Some people cry, some are angry, some don’t want to talk about it and some want to talk about it non-stop. Our children’s responses are really just exaggerated responses like ours.

1. Be open and honest. Our kids, especially those with a background in trauma and a predisposition to anxiety, can read our heightened emotions like a book. Don’t try to hide the death. Explain what happened in language they understand. But don’t get sucked into gruesome and morbid conversations.

2. Model grieving behaviors. I know this is hard; because when you lose a family member, you are dealing with your own grief. But remember that for all children (and ours moreso) it is important to model the behaviors we expect in a grieving situation, and do it in a very intentional way. Tell them what's expected of them and what to anticipate (that grandpa's body will be in the room, etc.).

3. Acknowledge and label their feelings. This is so important for those with emotional disorders or traumatic pasts. The tendency with these children is to not be able to “be in touch” with the root emotion (grief, sorrow, fear) but instead to “fight, fly or freeze”. Just like acknowledging or labeling their emotions works at other times, it works especially well now. “You must be missing Grandpa terribly.” “You must be confused and nervous at seeing your father cry, because he doesn’t usually cry.” “You must be worried about what’s going to happen next.” The interesting thing about labeling kids’ emotions is that it opens the door for them to reflect on what they ARE truly feeling. And they will usually tell you when you’ve guessed wrong.

4. Don’t play the Super Parent. Don’t forget about your own grief…and your right to it. As difficult as it is to find respite or alternative arrangements for your child, now may be the time. There are just some family situations and crises that require you to think of others (including yourself) first. And this may be one of them. If you are sure that your child will not respond well to the events surrounding a death, then make arrangements for him/her not to be there. Don’t feel as if you must take him, or must skip the event yourself. I realize there may be fall out from making these choices (from the child himself or from other family members). But do what is best for you, your spouse and your other children.

5. Have back-up plans and enlist help of others. Typically, for us, the spouse who has not lost the parent is the one “in charge” of LuLu during the whole funeral event. We were blessed at our recent funeral to have extended family who were interested in helping, by taking LuLu on walks and talking with her as we did other things. The hardest thing is asking for help…but now is a time you need it; and you may be surprised how many people want a meaningful way to help.

6. Give your child an outlet. Don’t forget that your child’s inappropriate and weird behaviors are a sign of pent-up emotions. Build opportunities in for this child (and your other children) to release that emotion. We were lucky to have an indoor swimming pool at the hotel during our funeral trip. Swimming was a great release for everyone. We also hauled art supplies with us, as LuLu uses her artwork as an outlet. In situations like this, your family is in “survival mode”, so if your child finds pleasure in activities you would normally limit, like video games or watching movies, frankly, I’d let him. I realize there may be a price to pay later (especially with oppositional kids). But the peace you have now could be just what you, he and the whole family needs.

7. Be prepared for the process to take a while. Grieving is a process and it takes a while for each of us to deal with it. Like so many other things, our special children can take longer at this as well. Those with traumatic pasts can be so triggered by death and the events and emotions surrounding it, that they will need extra nurturing and support. It's wise to consider additional therapy, tighter structure, and more awareness from everyone working with the child (teachers, caregivers, etc.) For example, LuLu will be "stuck" on the topics of grandpa, heaven/hell, death, etc. for several months now. We know it, can't stop it, and are steeling ourselves for dealing with it.

Again, take this advice as being worth what you paid for it. But these were the approaches we have used through three funerals now. Each time the whole crisis got a little bit easier. It still isn’t easy, by any means. But it was manageable.

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