It feels like such a delicate balancing act with LuLu…the child will so many disabilities (of the “hidden” neurological kind). We have been having a pretty darn good week, with the biggest frustrations being her ability to chat on endlessly and occasional bouts of bossiness. But the bottom dropped out today. (The school system is probably bookmarking this blog entry, but so be it – the truth is just that…the truth).

Her snit started building last night and it mushroomed today into several fits of uncontrollable behavior. She’s barely get on rage resolved when another one would pop up. I donned my Super Sleuth mindset and started looking for possible answers. I went with the ones that have provided the most answer of late…diet and any minor changes in supplements, etc. Diet – Thanksgiving leftovers. Well, she has been consuming high quantities of mashed potatoes and gravy…but since I made them, I know them to be totally casein-free. So perhaps diet is not the culprit. On the supplement side, we ran out of DHA yesterday. (DHA is one of the essential fatty acids found in Omega 3 and is often used specifically because it provides a calming effect. In addition to Cod Liver Oil, we supplement LuLu’s diet with an additional dose of DHA.) I immediately hopped in the car and drove to GNC to get some more DHA and although it’s not a brand we have used, it was the same potency.

LuLu did calm a bit this afternoon and we headed to the movies as a family. KayKay and Super Dad picked a more “grown up” movie, but LuLu and I saw Flushed Away. The singing slugs are good for a laugh!

For the most part our evening has been better than our daytime, but LuLu just came in and dropped the bombshell that is likely the clue what caused this sudden regression.

“Mom,” she started with tears gathering in her eyes, “I hate it that I get angry and out of control and I don’t want to have to go to X (the name of the psych hospital she went to two years ago).”

“What makes you think you’ll have to do go there?” I asked.

“I just keep remembering about it,” she responded, “It was the Christmas of 2004.”

And then it hit me…it was Christmas that was the trigger! Yesterday I hauled out our boxes of decorations and started assembling trees and hanging lights. Earlier in the day, LuLu had commented that she really didn’t like our decorations and wished we’d get some new ones. She was really tired of these and they didn’t make her feel good.

Hmmm…that was the pre-cursor to just telling me straight out…the Christmas decorations where reminding her of being hospitalized near Christmas and that time traumatized her because she was left there for 14 days. I knew how she felt about the hospitalization, because she had commented on it before. What amazed me this time was the clarity with which SHE related the two – the decorations and her memories. That indicates maturity and healing. But it also reminded me of how horrible I felt that Christmas, making that nearly impossible decision to hospitalize her so the doctors could observe her and change her medications. It truly was a good move, as we came out with a much more effective medication regime. But leaving my then 8 year old there with limited visits was a hard, hard thing.

For LuLu, her trauma is always just beneath the surface. I liken it to a splinter – painful to the touch and trying to work its way out. But going in after it is painful as well. And it seems like even if we go in after it, part of the splinter keeps breaking off and moving around, only to resurface at a later day.

It is amazing though, once she told me this, she is strangely calmer. We’ll see what tomorrow brings…I predict it will be a better day.


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