A commenter on Nancy’s blog yesterday asked that question of her. Nancy has blogged about “goodness of fit” before. How that some children and parents just click personality-wise and others don’t. Over the years that she has parented children, and supported hundreds of adoptive and foster parents through ATN, Nancy’s opinion has become that “goodness of fit” plays an active role in how things turn out. But I think there’s more to it than that when talking about emotionally disordered or traumatized kids. There are biological parents raising biological children who don’t have “goodness of fit”, yet the children manage to grow up and learn to live independently. And there are tons of examples of parents/children who have some semblance of a healthy relationship, even if they have personality clashes, whether they are biologically related or not.

And then there are those biological children who don’t manage to grow up and live independently...at least not for a long time.

My youngest sister is a prime example. I was eight when she was born. It wasn’t until her early 30s that a doctor finally diagnosed her with Bipolar. When on the right meds, life gets easier for her. But there is much devastation in the wake of her behaviors that can’t necessarily be attributed to her disorder…but more to the choices she has made.

Goodness of fit doesn’t really enter into the equation where my sister was concerned. I’m picturing the devastated look on my mother’s face if anyone would have ever suggested that she wasn’t the “right parent” for my sister. It was hard enough being her parent that a comment like that would definitely have been perceived as a slap in the face.

My mother has struggled for years watching my sister either fall or jumping in to rescue her. My parents paid her rent, bought her cars, gave her food and possessions, helped her find jobs. And when my parents were done doing that, my grandmother did it for a while. Through her own trial and error, my mother has decided not to give my sister any more money. My grandmother, much like Nancy’s father, had a hard time imaging that there just wasn’t more my parents could do for baby sis…until my grandmother had lent her quite a bit of money as well.

But, about five years ago, baby sis suddenly started to change for the better. She was diagnosed and medicated, but it was more than that. (Believe me, my parents had paid for their share of psychiatrists, medications, therapists, etc prior to this. Many times my sister had refused the help.) I think the change was squarely because baby sis had little left to lose, and no one to really bail her out.

She wants a relationship with our family, albeit it a very loose one. We don’t hear from her for months at a time. But recently she’s done things like call me on my birthday, or call my mom just to talk. (My mom is always looking for the ulterior motive when she calls – who can blame her?).

Maybe it’s this life experience that helps me to understand where Nancy is in regard to Amy. Maybe I’m already mourning with Nancy for what is likely to be a long period of struggles before Amy starts to change for the better…if she ever does. Maybe it’s knowing that biological families have these kinds of situations, where the child can’t/won’t change but also can’t/won’t be helped…and the parents are left floundering with all their pain, love, guilt, frustration. I have vivid memories of my mom asking over and over “what did I do wrong?” It was crushing to watch this, even though I was an adult at the time.

Parents have the right to expect a little bit of reciprocity in that parent/child relationship. They also have the right to express their frustration and disappointment that their child will never have the fullness of life that they have envisioned. From where I sit that isn’t “blaming the child” but it isn’t “taking the blame” either. You can blame the d*mned disease (which is the only blaming that makes sense), but who is responsible for making sure she stays medicated, sees a therapist, works on her life – my nearly 70 –year-old mother, or my nearly 40-year-old sister?

Postscript: I spoke with my mother last night, not intending to talk about my sister at all. But found out that she has left latest boyfriend (because he worked too much was reason given), quit taking her meds, and currently has no place to live. I could hear the pain in my mother’s voice. “But I just listened to her talk,” Mom said, “it’s all I can do.” Any advice offered is rejected; any interventions denied, and there is no more bail out available.

You Want to Cha Cha; I Want to Tango