HELP! As I’m reading Dr. Perry’s intriguing accounts of traumatized children, each exhibiting different behaviors and symptoms, one message rings true. The children who were nurtured by an attentive caregiver as an infant, the children with consistent care, recovered much more quickly and completely from whatever trauma (abuse, injury, accident, medical procedures) than those who did not receive consistent, nurturing care.

What happens to infants matters SO much! For those of us parenting children from chaotic early childhoods, this sounds so simple. Yet, to the rest of the world, apparently, this is not critical news. I still believe that most pre-adoptive parents have no idea that the child they are likely to adopt will be at risk for problems just by virtue of their chaotic early childhoods. The “children are resilient” theory is still alive and well in social services, adoption agencies and the population in general.

But in reality, the truth about our children is just the opposite. Their quickly developing neurological systems and rapidly growing brain is profoundly affected by the earliest of experiences. Neuroscience is proving this in a big way as we learn more all the time about how our brains develop, how the parts that develop the strongest are use-dependent, and how if a child is not stimulated in certain ways, his brain doesn’t develop normally. It is necessary for a child to be touched, rocked, bounced, sung to, cooed at and responded to.

But we (I’m talking society here) don’t really believe this is true…yet. For if we did, surely we would change so much of the way we respond to infants and children. If we valued attachment as the cornerstone of all healthy emotional and psychological development, just how would we change as a society? Consider this:

1. Parents would receive instruction in the importance of nurturing (holding, interacting, responding to) the needs of their babies. Currently there is very little emphasis placed on nurturing infants. When new mothers give birth in hospitals, there nurses teach them diapering and feeding schedules, but few talk with the mothers about the need to rock, snuggle and play with the babies. Few teach infant massage (a wonderful technique to promote attachment). Few new mothers receive information on child development, especially a child’s emotional and social development.
2. Pediatricians would be more vigilant in looking for emotional delays. Physical development is important, but Dr. Perry’s case studies in his book point to the interrelatedness of emotional development and physical development. Few in the medical professional understand this or explore the possibility of problems in this area with parents.
3. Society itself would put more of value on taking maternity leave and focusing on bonding with the baby. And we would focus on keeping extended families intact. Attachment was healthier in previous generations, because extended family (grandparents, siblings, great-aunts) were available to teach new parents how to nurture infants, and were available to serve as caregivers when the parents had to be absent. Yes, there were likely many dysfunctional practices passed on through families. But the ratio of caregiver to infant (often 1:1) was much higher than many children receive in daycare centers today.
4. Social Services would stop the damaging practice of moving children from loving foster homes where they were being appropriately nurtured. And they would stop restricting foster parents from building attachment with the child. “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved” isn’t just a saying…it is the truth where a child’s emotional development is concerned. While it is painful for the adults in a situation to witness the grief of a foster child being moved from a home where he/she has attached to the foster parents, it is healthier for the child to have developed this attachment.
5. Adoption Agencies and Early Interventionists would educate pre-adoptive parents on the intense interventions that are needed when adopting a child who has been neglected. The earlier and more intense and consistent the intervention, the faster and more complete the healing. Those who understand the effect of neglect on traumatized children understand this, but for whatever reasons (and there are many) this information does not get communicated to adoptive parents until they adopt a child who exhibits extreme behaviors. And then, most parents don’t find it without searching diligently and begging for help.

What will it take for us to realize how critical it is that we focus on the nurturing of our infants if we want to raise attached children and emotionally healthy adults?