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At some point in time, every child on the planet doesn’t want to go to school. So, parents of children with disabilities aren’t surprised when this happens with our children. However, what do you do if your child chronically complains about going to school and begins to show signs of anxiety about attending?
Parents of children with disabilities are in a precarious place when they leave their children at school or other places, like daycare. The child’s disabilities may prevent her from being able to communicate about her day or let you know what’s happening. So, your special child may communicate the only way she knows how; through escalating behavior.
Then, it’s up to us parent detectives to figure out what’s going on. Sometimes this escalation of behaviors happens at school, with our children acting out or attempting to run away. Other times, they show no signs at school at all, saving it all up for us at home, because we are the safe place. Either way, the behaviors are signals that something is happening during their day that is causing them anxiety. Figuring out what it is and how to address it is our challenge.
I believe that educators unwittingly traumatize children with disabilities daily. I suspect some know they’re doing it, but I also suspect some have never realized that their actions, reactions or lack of reactions are contributing to the child’s problems. It’s hard to recognize anxiety, or its big sister, trauma, unless you’re living with it. And it’s doubly hard when the child’s disabilities cause her to manifest the anxiety in unexpected ways.
I’ve heard from more than one parent that when their children with disabilities are reluctant to go to school, sometimes outright refusing, that administrators and teachers will literally drag the child to class or work to restrain the child to keep them from bolting out of the building. Now, I understand the need to restrain a child to keep them from harming themselves. But (and this is a big but), if the child consistently exhibits this behavior, the adults in her world need to get a clue. Something in this situation needs to change. Dragging a kid to class everyday against her will is traumatizing to any child. I’m trying to imagine my healthy, neurotypical children being dragged to their classes each day, despite incredible protests. I suspect the teachers would realize that this was wrong and stop to hear the child out. Yet, when a child has a disability that impairs their ability to communicate, we somehow think it’s acceptable to get more aggressive to force the child to do what we want her to do. And since adopted children with disabilities may also have a history of trauma, these actions are compounding the problem. You know the old adage that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Parents trust the child “professionals” and succumb to the conventional wisdom that a child MUST be in school at all costs. What we often fail to realize, is that our children’s behaviors are telling us something. Separation anxiety and adjustment to a new surrounding are one thing. Chronic refusal to go to school and increasing anxiety about school are quite another. And what needs to be changed could be something very simple. Perhaps it’s a sensory issue and your child is sitting too close to the bell, not getting enough movement, or that someone touches the child on the shoulder and she’s tactile defensive. Perhaps it’s the act of the restraint itself. Perhaps it’s the adults’ stern voices and angry facial expressions that trigger her anxiety. Perhaps it’s the frustration of underlying learning or processing disabilities that aren’t being addressed.
Or perhaps, it’s even more sinister, and the child is actually being abused, neglected or mistreated by someone in the school. Perhaps her escalating behaviors are the only way of telling you. Sadly, it happens. More often than we want to admit.
