What happens to an older child, emotionally, when adoption takes too long? Say, for example, the child is placed in your home for the purpose of adoption, and you tell the child, “We are going to adopt you.” The adoption worker says to the child, “I am working on your adoption, it will take a while, but I will get it done.” The child’s therapist reiterates these phrases during counseling. But, then a year or maybe two goes by, and the adoption still isn’t finalized.

Sure, the child wants to believe that you will eventually adopt, what other choice is there, other than to believe? But, other people the child loved and depended on for years lied, or so it may seem to him. Didn’t they lie? Isn’t that why the child isn’t living with them anymore?

So the child rationalizes, what makes you different, and how can I trust you? Or, maybe your child is thinking, “If you don’t adopt me, I can go back to my birth family.” The child may even be fantasizing about the birth family searching for him.

I’m not sure every child in this pre-adoption situation, thinks all these things through, or whether it is conscious or subconscious thought. But I know the anxiety is real. I know the feelings of divided loyalty are stronger than ever, and very close to the surface, during this period of transition. A child can become so preoccupied by these thoughts and emotions, that the ability to function normally may become impaired.

I see my own daughter completely overwhelmed with the thoughts of adoption. She has been with us for well over two years, and the best estimate on finalization of her adoption is about another year. At this point, I’m not sure how we are going to survive that long. She’s gone from being an “A” student to failing most of her classes. She’s switched from a snuggling and helping child, to a lying and sneaking child. She wanted an award so badly at church two years ago that she finished three years' worth of AWANA books in four months. This year, she couldn’t even finish the one book she was supposed to finish.

I was getting so frustrated with her, and honestly, I didn’t know what was wrong with her. We switched therapists a couple of months ago, in an act of desperation. Today’s visit with the therapist was rather enlightening. She’s the one who pointed out to me that my daughter was going through. “Adoption overload.”

She said, “You have to back off! She can’t process everything that is going on in her current condition, and it isn’t the time for a power struggle.”

Ah, is that all? I felt immediately relieved. I can certainly sympathize with “brain wave overload.” I went through it in college, when I couldn’t remember what I did ten minutes ago, and had to start writing everything down.

Related Links:
When to Seek Help
Read more about foster care adoptions.
common clinical issues among adoptees who have received psychological treatment