Is it hard for you, as the mom of a child with special needs, to admit that you truly don’t LIKE your kid? It shouldn’t be. In that elusive parenting manual that doesn’t come with our kids there needs to be a chapter explaining that it’s ok not to LIKE your kid, even though you LOVE him. (Personally I think all parents of adolescents are caught in this state much of the time, whether they admit it or not.)

But announcing to the world, or just yourself, that you don’t like your kid is a difficult thing to do. It goes against all the things we’ve been taught in “mommy school” that mothers shouldn’t ever verbalize…thoughts that we should push out of mind. But the problems arise when we don’t give ourselves permission to be human. Let’s face it…we are.

Yesterday, I didn’t like LuLu very much. Part of it was the readjustment to our daily routine after me being gone for 4 days to the ATTACh conference. But I was increasingly put off by her “push away” behaviors. After about the third time she told me “I hate you Mom” in response to a simple request to do schoolwork, I was ready to jump ship. She also threatened to kick the dog twice and used her whiniest voice the bulk of the day.

About mid-day she started her period (when are those pills going to work!!!), so her behaviors were a bit more explainable, but that didn’t really make me LIKE her any better.

However, there were some things I did that made it decidedly easier to get through the day.

1. I took care of myself first. I filled my spiritual tank early in the morning and took a long walk in the afternoon. This goes against everything I’ve been taught in “mommy school”, but I did it anyway – and had significantly more energy and patience because of it.
2. I repeatedly affirmed to LuLu and myself that I loved her but didn’t like the behaviors. I pointed out to her how her behaviors were pushing me away, and through her PMSing, she understood and made some attempts to change. Just labeling for a child what they are doing – “you’re pushing me away” – can help the child who is willing to change.
3. I backed off of the most frustrating tasks, while still holding her responsible. This is the hardest piece with LuLu because not only does she get easily frustrated, but because of her OCD, she also doesn’t let go of the task assigned (whether it’s school work or housework). Instead of pushing the school work yesterday, I cut it back to the bare bones, and had her do some things around the house instead. She proudly cooked supper and only minimally grumbled when she had to put her clean clothes away.
4. I snuggled her. This is probably the hardest, but best, thing to do. When LuLu is bringing out her “push away” behaviors, going out of my way to pull her in close to me physically is the best remedy. It’s all that residual attachment stuff coming up again. And it was understandable, given that I was away from her for 6 out of the last 10 days. So, I consciously hugged her several times during the day and looked for ways to connect emotionally and physically. And last night we had a long snuggle time, in which she happily jumped her 90 pounds onto my lap (in a non-injurious manner, I might add).

So, by the end of the day, even though I had not LIKED her at all, we had reconnected and reassured each other that we did LOVE each other.

And I reminded myself, once again, that parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. Each day I get up and start the run once again. Some days things go smoothly and we cover lots of ground, and some days we have to collapse along the roadside. But we remain in the race.

Related Blogs:

Easy Children: Convenient Solutions
How I Know She’s Attached
Unconditional Love

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