Part one

We didn’t end up sending our daughter away to boarding school after she had killed so many of our 4-H chickens, but the dream kept us from disrupting through a couple of difficult years. She became an enjoyable girl to have around in her high school years. Unfortunately, our relationship was really damaged as a result of those chaotic preteen years before we decided to try medication. During those early years when we should have been doing mother and daughter things together, like cooking, shopping, sewing, retreats and horseback riding, I was taking breaks away from her to make it through another day.

Since I homeschooled her I was already with her all day, every day, so I certainly didn’t want to take her out with me afterwards. Maybe it would have helped if I could have seen past the behaviors to spend one on one time with her, but I was a new foster parent. I was appalled and disgusted by what she was doing and I was angry with her for hurting the other children. I had no idea that children did those kinds of things and I was completely unprepared to deal with them on a daily basis. I suffered from a tremendous amount of guilt during those years for my lack of “warm fuzzy” feelings for my daughter and for not wanting to spend special time with her.

She participated in all the normal childhood extracurricular activities. She took horseback riding lessons, piano lessons, she was enrolled in 4-H, she went to Sunday school and AWANA every week and she went to two or three different summer camps every year for a week at a time.

But I had this dream of a close loving relationship with a daughter that wasn’t to be with her. When I would try to have conversations with her it was kind of like pulling teeth. It felt like every sentence had to be dragged out of her and after about ten minutes I would usually just give up and walk away. She went to private counseling every week for over five years and we kept hoping for a break through.

Finally in an act of desperation we took her to a psychiatrist for medication. I made it quite clear that either she or I needed to be medicated and I didn’t care which. I really felt like she was driving me and our family crazy. I guess it took about a year of trying various medications before we felt she was stable. In the meantime, I literally spent every night before bedtime on my knees begging God for the patience, love and tenacity to make it through another day. What finally worked was a combination of Zyprexa, Paxil, Wellbutrin and Concerta. Whenever we tried to stop one of them, old problems resurfaced.

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