My 14-year-old adopted daughter turned to me aghast. “Why are you trying to make me fail?” she asked. “Why are you accusing me of trying to make you fail Lyn,” I asked softly. “If I had not given you the cinnamon rolls what would you have done?”

“I would have waited until nobody was looking and I would have stolen them,” she actually responded honestly.

“Well Lyn, when you take things without asking, your parents don’t trust you. I don’t like what not trusting you does to our relationship. Therefore, I want you to have all the sugar you want so you are not tempted to sneak it,” I explained.

“But you know when I eat sugar I can’t do my work right, I do it all wrong because I can’t concentrate,” she was getting increasingly agitated.

“Yes Lyn, I know that you cannot do your schoolwork or your household chores correctly when you eat too much sugar. The problem is that you won’t eat sugar in moderation. You can’t seem to stop yourself when you start and you eat way too much. If you could eat one popsicle or one cinnamon role you would probably be fine. When you don’t eat too much sugar, you can do fourth grade schoolwork just fine. On too much sugar, you fail every assignment. You are 14 Lyn, the question is do you want to pass fourth grade or not.”

Lyn thought for a minute before she answered and again seemed to be answering honestly. “Well, I do want to pass fourth grade because I only have four years of school left. I really think that I need at least to pass the seventh grade to be able to live on my own. But, I also want sugar and I can’t seem to control myself. I don’t think about the consequences when I am doing it.”

“Well, I am glad you are being honest about it, Lyn. It is going to be your decision though how you choose to live your life. Unfortunately, the choices you are making today can impact your future life,” I explained.

The next day we had an appointment with Lyn’s psychiatrist. She explained the problems she was having to him. He asked her if she was afraid to grow up. He suggested that maybe she just wanted to stay with her parents forever. She denied wanting that. He told her that because she was a teenager and as big as an adult she was able to make her own choices. He repeated most of what I had told her.

When our children are as big as we are, we cannot control their thoughts and actions nor can we really make them do anything. Lyn is going to have to choose the kind of life she wants. We have set an example and given her the tools and information that she needs. That is all we can do as parents.

Photo Credit Julia Fuller 2006

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