Why is the sibling bond so important? If siblings are split up, then two or more families can be blessed by adoption, and everybody is happy, right? If the siblings have special needs or severe behaviors, it will be much easier on the families parenting them to split them up, right?

According to the CHILDREN AND FAMILY RESEARCH CENTER, Sibling Relationship in Out-of-Home Care, December, 2002,
Hyun-ah Kang, MSW, PhD Candidate wrote:

The sibling bond is very important in children's development. Brothers and sisters share friendship, warmth, and caring. (Begun, 1995). In addition, evidence shows that siblings influence the development of a sense of attachment. Children who are separated from their siblings are likely to be
preoccupied with thoughts about their siblings, leading to depression (Hegar, 1988).

My daughter Lyn, age 13, had lived in a home with her parents, her grandfather, and five siblings. The children rarely went anywhere, including school, so they were all very bonded to each other. They were also significantly delayed in their gross motor and learning development. Originally, Lyn was placed in foster care with her two younger siblings. Lyn was three; her sisters were 23 months and nine months when they entered care.

After being in that placement for six months, the foster parents requested that Lyn be moved, they kept the two younger siblings. Since my family had previously provided respite care for the siblings, we were asked to take Lyn a few weeks before her fourth birthday. She was devastated by the separation.

Because of her learning disabilities, she and her two-year-old sister had a bond similar to the bond that twins have. The children had not had visitation with their parents during this six-month period because they were serving a jail sentence, this increased the children’s dependency on each other.

Lyn cried daily for months, begging for her sisters. I went up the chain at DHS, begging them to place the siblings together. I was told the younger two would not be moved. I asked the family who planned to adopt just the brother to consider taking Lyn as well, but they declined. Two older sisters were being moved every few months to another placement because DHS refused to separate them. One was profoundly retarded and diagnosed with Angel Man Syndrome, and the other sister was just delayed, so it took years to find them an adoptive placement.

According to the North American Council on Adoptable Children (NACAC), Sibling Ties Are Worth Preserving, from Spring 1999 Adoptalk, by Diane Riggs

Regina Kupecky, a therapist at the Attachment and Bonding Center of Ohio and co-author of Adopting the Hurt Child, adds that separated siblings lose pieces of themselves when they lose touch, and consequently have a harder time building an identity. A sibling who is adopted when his or her brothers and sisters remain in foster care may also experience guilt—a feeling that he or she has abandoned the other siblings—compounded with a sense of having been abandoned by his or her birth parents.

Our two daughters, who are now adults, were placed with us at 13 and 7, when their grandparents decided they could no longer parent them. An aunt took their 15-year-old sister, but for her own personal reasons she declined placement of the younger sisters. At first, the older sister would carve pumpkins with us, come to parties, and occasionally eat dinner. Then she stopped. At the time, I wondered if it was related to a sense of guilt, as cited above. She was with the birth family and able to participate freely in all of their activities and holidays, her sisters had another family, whose plans took priority.


According to the National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect Information National Adoption Information Clearinghouse, The Sibling Bond: Its Importance in Foster Care and Adoptive Placement, 1992

Separating siblings in foster care or through adoption adds to their emotional burden. They have already had to cope with the separation and loss of their parents. If they are then separated from their siblings, they must experience the grieving process all over again. For many children, this separation will be even more traumatic because, if they have experienced abuse and/or neglect at the hand of their parents, they will often have stronger ties to each other than to their mother or father.

Contact your state representative.
Contact your state senator.
Who’s a Sibling in Adoption? Who isn’t?
Read more on older child adoption
Read more about foster care adoptions.