I confess, it hurt and yes, I even cried about it. A mom, who spends one hour every other week in the nursery with me decided to let me have it, with both barrels on Tuesday. She told me that my daughter was a good kid and it was my fault that she was misbehaving. She told me that I was too strict and too critical of my daughter’s work. She pointed out that my daughter sits in the nursery and works diligently every week. She felt that if my daughter didn’t turn in her work it was because she couldn’t do any thing right for me.

I sat there absolutely stunned, mouth open, eyes agape. My daughter sitting next to me had a similar look on her face. I felt no desire to explain anything to this woman who didn’t know me, or my children, at all. I imagine that from her limited seven, one-hour observations that is what it looked like. It would be a waste of time for me to try to change her opinion, because obviously she felt strongly enough about it to speak up. However, because she has never fostered or adopted a traumatized child she wouldn’t have a clue about the manipulative behaviors we deal with.

Have you ever noticed how people think that your child must be good because your child is cute and quiet? Then my 10 year old has the added advantage of being petite and looking more like a seven year old. My daughters have been coming to the nursery with me, instead of going to their enrichment classes, because they have not been turning in their homework. Therefore, they are in the nursery because they are in trouble.

My 14 year old was actually at her enrichment classes when this occurred; she had turned in her work two weeks in a row. Originally, I thought the girls would only spend one or two weeks with me in the nursery. I had no idea they would drag it out this long. Why wouldn’t they want to spend time with their peers building friendships?

I did mention that my 10 year old hadn’t done any work in four weeks. “Well she’s always working in here. It must be because you are too critical of her, she can never do anything right,” the mom who barely knows us said. I said nothing else. What good would it do to tell her that my daughter had failed three classes at public school last year for not turning in work? Nor did I tell her that my daughter had an in-school suspension for skipping class with a girl while only in the fourth grade. That the social worker even wanted us to homeschool her this year for that reason and let us begin before the adoption was completed.

I had the opportunity to speak to an adoptive grandmother who is also an adoptive great-grandmother an hour later while she and I supervised gym time and let our toddlers play together. Well she should have been at my house last night she said and made me smile. Then she made a comment about her daughter / granddaughter being cute and how nice everyone thinks she is.

Ah well, none of us like to be judged and found guilty by casual observers. It makes me wonder though, how many others over the years have thought the same thing, but didn’t have the intestinal fortitude to say anything. I could have an entourage of non-supporters out there and not even know it. Maybe I was even naïve enough to think they were my friends.

Photo Credit Julia Fuller 2007